Joe
by Five Minutes Til Bedtime
Summary: Having snake problems? Who you gonna call? Harry Potter, of course. One-shot.


Title: Joe

Summary: Having snake problems? Who you gonna call? Harry Potter, of course. One-shot.

Fandom: Harry Potter

Word Count: 1821

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><p>"<em>Get away from me you giant toad!"<em>

Harry blinked. The words cut through the thick silence of the potions class like a knife through flubberworm – unexpected and sharp. He raised his head from the beetle-eyes he was delicately grinding into powder and looked around the classroom to see who dared disrupt the fragile silence of Snape's classroom. He saw only everyone else hard at work and, to his dismay, several were already steps ahead of him, working to bring up their cauldrons to the appropriate scalding temperature. A glance to the front of the classroom reveal Snape at his desk grading papers with an expression of pure distain on his features. Harry returned to his beetle-eyes with a frown. If it had been _him _breaking the silence like that Snape would have been on his case as fast as a –

He forced himself to forget it. He finished crushing the beetle-eyes and moved onto peeling the outer layers of an aged onion that had been picked for three months in bat saliva. It was surprisingly hard for something covered in bat spit and Harry struggled to pry the layers off, wishing that they were working in groups so that he could at least ask Hermione for tips. The bushy haired girl always figured out the quickest way of dealing with stubborn ingredient.

With that finally done, Harry turned up the heat on his shimmering cauldron, careful to keep the temperature of the goo green inside just right so that it didn't bubble over, and reached down to add the onion peels. He was just taking his large glass spoon to give the potion a stir when a high pitched scream erupted through the classroom. Harry turned with the rest of the class to see Goyle doubled over, clutching his right hand and blubbering.

"It bit me! The bloody thing _bit _me!"

Harry couldn't see what Goyle was talking about and before he could stand up to get a better look, Snape swooped down in a billow of black robes.

"Turn down your potions immediately. I will not tolerate a _third _explosion this month."

Harry jumped and hurried to comply, not wanting to be the one to blow up the classroom and have Snape berating him on his dismal potion making skills any more than usual. To be fair, Harry hadn't blown up a cauldron since third year, a full two years ago. He didn't think it was fair for Snape to constantly bring his failures up when people like Crabble and Goyle had to have the potions saved from intermit disaster everyother class.

With his potion secure, Harry looked back at the scene. Snape was scowling over Goyle's hand with a furious expression which, even directed away from him, made Harry gulp.

"Has your stupidity gone so far, Mr. Goyle that you thought it a good idea to bring a _poisonous snake _into my _potions class!_"

Goyle's face was ashen. He held up his hand which was quickly turning green and swelling to the size of a small melon. "No, sir. My hand, sir. It bit me, sir."

"So I gathered from that ridiculous squeal you let out earlier," sneered Snape. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes in exasperation. Waving his hand he muttered, "Mrs. Parkison, escort Mr. Goyle to the infirmary. Mr. Goyle, you have detention with filch for the rest of the week."

Goyle gaped and Harry's jaw dropped. Snape _never _gave Slytherins detentions. Ever. Even when Harry and Malfoy had a near duel in the hallway right outside his classroom the most he had ever seen the man do was take two measly points off.

Harry quickly closed his mouth as Snape dropped his hand and drew himself up.

"Mr. Crabble, where is the snake now?" he asked exasperated.

Crabble, a near replica of Goyle only two ounces duller, shrugged uselessly. "I dunno, Professor. Greg dropped him after he got bit. Sort of just slithered off."

"And you didn't think to _pick it up?" _Snape growled.

"It _bit _him, sir," answered Crabble, as though Snape was being slow. "I didn't think it would be hungry anymore."

Snape looked as though he would love nothing else than to show Crabble just how 'hungry' a snake could be. Harry was impressed by the professor's ability not to slam his head again the nearest wall and instead drew himself up straighter and surveyed the rest of the class. Harry hadn't noticed, but almost everyone was now seated precariously on their stools not daring to let their feet near the floor. A few girls were even whimpering and glancing about the floor worriedly. Hermione, to Harry's surprise, even looked a bit green.

Snape's eyes landed on Harry. The Gryffindor realized he was the only one besides Snape and Crabble with his feet still on the ground. He wondered if the professor was going to chew him out for it, when he found to his surprise Snape gesturing him to come.

"Potter!" snapped Snape, curling a finger. Harry cringed and walked forward.

"Yes, sir?" he asked.

The professor surveyed him as though he was bug. "It would seem Mr. Goyle has set loose a snake. Where is it?"

Harry blinked. "Sir?"

Snape sent him a frusterated sneer. "You're a parselmouth, Potter. Surely you can hear it."

"I – " Harry's face heated up. He hadn't even thought of that. Honestly he liked to think about that particular talent of his as least often as possible. He had hoped, though he knew it was impossible, that everyone had forgotten out that after three years. Apparently not.

Snape's eyes bore into him – hard and black. They were eyes that demanded to be listened to no matter what, no exceptions.

"All right," Harry relented finally. He turned away from Snape and began very aware of every eye on the class staring at him. He tried not to blush and failed. Great. Just great.

Stretching out his hearing, Harry tried to listen of the sounds of his classmate's heavy breathing for anyone talking. To him, the snake tongue and English sounded precisely the same unless he truly strained his ears for a certain sibilant quality that lurked in the background of parseltongue. He heard none of that now.

Frowning, and fully aware that everyone including Snape was looking at him, Harry knew there was only one thing he could do. He paused for a moment to imagine a snake (not hard in a room of Slytherins) before opening his mouth and calling, _"Hello?"_

People around him blanched and shuddered. Harry noticed it out of the corner of his eye and cringed, it was no better than second year. There was nothing he could do, however. He could feel Snape looming over him like a giant black cloud. He tried again.

"_Hello? Where are you?"_

This time there was an answer.

"_Who speaks?"_

The small, distant voice answered him from the other side of the room, towards Snape's desk. He must have been the only one to hear it, as his was the only head that reacted towards the noise. He walked slowly towards the classroom, trying to quiet his footsteps as much as possible.

"_My name is Harry Potter."_

The reply was louder. _"That's a silly name. Not very respectable."_

Harry snorted. He saw Ron send him a startled look as he walked up the aisle to the front of the classroom. _"I like it. My parents gave it to me."_

"_Your parents were odd. Not like mine. They named me _sshh-SSeeth-sss _like a normal snake. A nice, respectable name." _Harry blinked. Apparently snakes didn't translate well. The idea amused him briefly.

"_Please to meet you sshh-SSeeth-sss."_

"_Your silly parents, did they smell funny too?"_

"_You can smell me?"_ Harry asked. He was walking past Snape's desk, up toward the stairs that led to the man's private chamber.

"_Of course," _came the reply. _"You smell funny. Part snake, part human. A __**speaker**_**.**" The final word was hissed with a sort of reverence that almost brought Harry up short. Apparently even to snakes he had something to be famous for.

He came to the stairs and stopped. This was where the hissing came from. Dropping to his knees, he peered into the dark space beneath them.

"_Where are you? Can you come out, please?"_

"_Why?"_

"_You can't stay under the stairs forever."_

"_Why not?"_

There were so many reasons to choose from. Because Snape would chop sshh-SSeeth-sss into potion bits. Because he would freak the students out and no one would come to class. Because snakes were not on the list of approved pets at school. Harry went with the easiest.

"_No mice here."_

"_What?" _hissed sshh-SSeeth-sss, outraged.

"_Yep. Snape, the man who lives here, doesn't like rats. They don't come here."_

"_How am I to eat? I haven't had a rat in a fortnight!"_

"_I know a good place. Lots of rats – no nasty Snapes."_

"_You'll take me there?" _

"_Of course."_

"_Immediately?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Okay."_

Harry heard something moving and then a large shape slithered into the light. The snake was easily six feet long and the color of dead leaves on the ground. Not something anyone would like to run into on an afternoon stroll.

Sshh-Sseeth-sss eyes focused onto Harry's and his head bobbed a bit. Without asked, the snake wound his way up his arm and draped itself around Harry's neck. He was surprisingly heavy.

"_Ahhh. Mammals. You creatures are so preposterously warm."_

"_You're welcome," _replied Harry dully. Standing up, he turned around. He found himself looking at a room full of shocked, awed, frightened faces. Huh. He had almost forgotten about them.

He walked up the aisle to Snape quickly, ignoring the flinches of everyone he passed as he walked near them with a poisonous snake wrapped around his shoulders.

"_I'm going to go take sshh-SSeeth-sss to the forest, sir," _he reported dutifully, pretty certain the man would not argue with the snake draped over him. Snape blinked at him with an odd expression.

"English, Potter," he said.

_Huh? Oh. _He had to focus for a minute before he cleared his mind enough that he was sure he wasn't speaking snake.

"I said I'm going to go take the snake out to the forest, sir," he repeated. Snape continued to stare at him. "It has rats," he added awkwardly as time stretched on.

Finally, Snape blinked. He inclined his head in allowance and gestured for Harry to continue. Harry gratefully moved passed him. He had almost reached a door before one last comment ensnared him.

"Oh, and Potter. Do inform _Joe _that if it ever returns to my classroom I shall use it in a potion and keep its pelt as a present."

Harry turned around, opened his mouth, paused, shook his head, and walked out the door.

Around his shoulders, _Joe _wrapped himself securely. Parseltongue – Harry would never understand it.


End file.
